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What is a fake submissive?
A fake submissive pretends to be compliant and obedient while subtly manipulating situations to maintain control and achieve their own goals.
Understanding Fake Submissives in BDSM: Recognizing the Signs and Dangers
Today, I want to address a less vocalised issue within the BDSM lifestyle: fake submissives. While much attention is given to "fake Doms," the phenomenon of fake submissives is rarely discussed. This oversight can be detrimental, as fake submissives can disrupt the trust and integrity that are the bedrock of BDSM relationships.
BDSM relies on trust, communication, and mutual consent. A genuine dynamic between a dominant (Dom) and a submissive (sub) requires honesty and transparency. However, the community is not immune to individuals who pretend to be submissive for various reasons, thereby undermining these essential principles.
Traits of a Fake Submissive
A fake submissive feigns submissiveness but lacks the genuine inclination or understanding of the submissive role. Key traits include:
Inconsistency in Behaviour:
Genuine submissives consistently demonstrate their willingness to submit. Fake submissives may exhibit submissive behaviour only sporadically or when it benefits them.
Example: A fake submissive might perform agreed-upon rituals perfectly when seeking a favour but ignore them when there is no immediate benefit, indicating manipulation rather than genuine submission.
Lack of Respect for Boundaries:
A true submissive respects the boundaries set by their dominant. A fake submissive may push or disregard these limits, showing a lack of genuine commitment.
Example: If a dominant sets a hard limit, such as no verbal humiliation, a genuine submissive would honour this. A fake submissive might test or cross this boundary, manipulating the dominant or seeking to shift the power balance.
Self-Centeredness:
Fake submissives often prioritise their own needs over their dominant's, manipulating situations to keep the focus on themselves.
Example: During a planned BDSM session, a fake submissive might repeatedly suggest their preferred activities or feign distress to shift the dominant's attention towards comforting them, disrupting the intended power exchange.
Superficial Knowledge:
They may have a shallow understanding of BDSM, relying on clichés rather than demonstrating a deep, personal comprehension of submission.
Example: A fake submissive might echo popular media portrayals of BDSM without understanding essential concepts like safe words or the importance of trust and communication.
Avoidance of Responsibility:
Genuine submissives take responsibility for their actions. Fake submissives might evade accountability, blaming others for any issues that arise.
Example: If a scene goes poorly, a genuine submissive would engage in constructive conversation during aftercare. A fake submissive would shift the blame onto the dominant, avoiding responsibility for their role.
Red Flags to Watch Out For.
Identifying a fake submissive early can prevent emotional harm and preserve trust. Key red flags include:
Unwillingness to Communicate:
Effective communication is vital in BDSM. A fake submissive might avoid meaningful conversations about needs, limits, and boundaries.
Example: When asked to discuss boundaries, a fake submissive might respond vaguely, avoiding detailed discussion.
Resistance to Training or Guidance:
Genuine submissives often seek guidance from their dominants. A fake submissive may resist learning and personal growth.
Example: A fake submissive might dismiss new protocols or skills introduced by the dominant, showing reluctance or disinterest.
Seeking Multiple Dominants:
While some submissives have multiple partners, a fake submissive might do so without transparency, using multiple relationships for personal gain.
Example: Engaging with several dominants simultaneously without informing any of them, seeking attention or favours rather than establishing honest relationships.
Inconsistent Attitudes Toward Submission:
A fake submissive might act submissively only in certain situations, such as during scenes, but not in everyday interactions.
Example: Participating eagerly in scenes at BDSM events but disregarding the dominant's authority outside of those settings.
Manipulative Behaviour:
Using emotional manipulation to control the dominant or the relationship dynamics is a significant red flag.
Example: Guilt-tripping the dominant by saying, "If you really cared about me, you would do this for me," to manipulate the dominant's actions.
Why Fake Submissiveness is Harmful
The presence of a fake submissive in a BDSM relationship can have serious negative effects:
Erosion of Trust:
Trust is the cornerstone of any BDSM relationship. A fake submissive's deceit undermines this trust, leading to emotional distress and potentially harmful situations.
Example: If a fake submissive lies about their experience or intentions, it can create doubt and insecurity within the dynamic.
Emotional Manipulation:
Fake submissives often engage in manipulation, which can cause significant emotional harm to the dominant, creating an unhealthy power dynamic.
Example: If a fake submissive uses passive-aggressiveness or guilt-tripping, it can lead to resentment and mistrust.
Undermining the Community:
The BDSM community relies on shared values of honesty, consent, and mutual respect. Fake submissives can disrupt this harmony, making it harder for genuine practitioners to find trustworthy partners.
Risk of Physical Harm:
Safety is paramount in BDSM. A fake submissive who is not genuinely committed to the dynamic may neglect safety protocols, increasing the risk of physical harm.
Example: Pretending to enjoy activities they are uncomfortable with or failing to communicate their limits, leading to dangerous situations.
The Importance of Recognition and Prevention
Recognizing and addressing the presence of fake submissives is essential for maintaining the health and safety of BDSM relationships and the broader community. Dominants should:
Vet Submissives Carefully:
Take the time to thoroughly get to know potential submissives, asking detailed questions about their understanding of submission, experiences, and motivations.
Establish Clear Communication:
Ensure open and honest communication from the outset, discussing boundaries, expectations, and mutual respect.
Monitor for Red Flags:
Be vigilant for red flags, trusting instincts and not ignoring inconsistent or manipulative behaviours.
Engage in Supportive Communities:
Participate in the broader BDSM community for guidance and support, sharing experiences and advice to create a safer environment.
Fake Doms are frequently discussed, especially online, but fake submissives also exploit genuine Dominants. By staying informed and vigilant, both dominants and submissives can protect themselves and their relationships, ensuring that their dynamics are built on genuine trust, respect, and mutual fulfilment.
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